Being Brave

brave
[brāv]

ADJECTIVE
ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage:
"a brave soldier" · [more]

synonyms: courageous · valiant · valorous · intrepid · heroic · [more]

That's Oxford's definition of "brave." Brave means different things to different people. To me, bravery is sort of like emotional adrenaline. We don't use it until the situation absolutely calls for it. Some think being brave means masking your fears. Others think it means managing your fears. Then there are even others that think being brave is dependent on the odds one faces. I'm not sure how I would define it.



I couldn't have said it better.

As another doctor's appointment rapidly approaches on Thursday, I have the usual fears. I always am a bit nervous but it certainly doesn't help that I'm on antibiotics for a cough I can't seem to shake while just finishing up with a sinus infection along with medication side effects (vertigo) that I've dealt with for a few months. Add to that, several people that I've known have died, each of them younger than me thanks to this monster of a disease.

I can tell depression is setting in. I find myself often times wanting to sleep or just sit outside and watch my dogs walk around. My at-home PFT tests are down. Today I found myself looking at old pictures of better moments. The last few days I find myself wishing nightfall would come sooner so I can just put my head on a pillow and pass out and not feel guilty about it like I do when I pass out during the day. Of course after a 2 month drought, mother nature picked a fine time to start raining. Depression and rain for me go together like peanut butter and jelly. "Terms of Endearment" better not be the HBO afternoon movie!



Depression is absolutely overwhelming.

There are days when I'm tired and don't want to work out especially recently. There are moments when I feel like my body is breaking down. It's days like these that I have to fight the apathy and find the determination to battle. I have to finish my workout no matter how difficult. I have to go to the gym no matter how much it pains me or no matter how many odd looks I get from coughing. I have to do all of my treatments regardless of how tired I am. I have to be, well, brave.

I'm often asked why I talk so much about cystic fibrosis. Think about this for a second. I do over two hours of treatments a day. That's more time than I spend eating, exercising or even just relaxing. I take 40 pills a day. So even when I have a break from my therapy, I need enzymes in order to eat. You still wonder why my mind constantly thinks about cystic fibrosis? It's always around me. Take my kids. I love them very much but the only way they could be conceived was through IVF which my wife and I had to do because of...you guessed it, cystic fibrosis. Traveling anywhere fun still requires me to pack up two separate bags of medication and therapy equipment. And every 3 months I have to deal with the anxiety of heading to another doctor's appointment that determines whether we keep the course or hospitalize me. No wonder there are days that I feel I'm going insane.

Cystic fibrosis is as difficult a disease as you'll find. I'm at risk for so many things besides a lung transplant. The list is plentiful: sinusitis, osteoporosis, infertility, certain forms of cancer, pancreatitis, CF-related diabetes (CFRD) and liver disease. CF is like the WEB MD cocktail. I'm overwhelmed just by writing about it. And I take more pills than people twice my age. I take so many meds that if I had to write them all down I'd probably develop carpel tunnel.

I talk so much about cystic fibrosis because if I bottled it up inside I would lose it. I know from experience. In college, I lost it. As a grown man in my thirties, I lost it. If I didn't have a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a sponsor and one of the most amazing women in the world who accepted my marriage proposal (Andrea, that's you just to be clear), I don't think I'd ever find my sanity.

Yet still, there's a part of me that won't surrender to cystic fibrosis. It's that same part that keeps me focused on fitness on the bad days and amused by a joke on the even worse ones.

I'm scared about Thursday. The crazy thing is I have no idea how it will go. There are appointments I go in feeling like a champ and leaving as if I have a week to live because the results sucked. I have appointments where I'm shocked how great everything looked because I felt like crap. That's the nature of the beast.

The good news is that I can tell that the sinus infection has gotten much better. The vertigo seems to be near the end as well. Since starting a new antibiotic, the cough has gotten better though it's still present when I run. The key for me is to continue to work out at the highest level and run like there is no tomorrow. That is not just my goal till Thursday...that is my goal forever.

Look. Not every appointment is going to be a great one. I wish it was. Some appointments test a CF patient both mentally and physically. I wish bad appointments were like the ones when I was little when my biggest concern was whether they had the cherry-flavored lollipops available at the checkout counter.

I'm going in there tomorrow knowing that I'm working my tail off and doing my treatments and taking my pills as asked. I even go above and beyond in some cases. I literally can't do much more. If my numbers are down as expected, so be it. The important thing is that I don't feel horrible. I just know that I have an infection. It's up to the doctors to give me the right meds to get better. The ball is in their court.

While CF does scare me, my super-competitive side sees things differently. It's that part of me that wants the odds stacked against me. It wants to be counted out by everyone. It loves the role of the underdog, a role I've had since the day I was born. It's crazy but I think that side of me has probably saved my life and certainly my sanity.

No matter how scary things get, my goal is to keep a positive attitude and kick CF's ass.

I guess that's my definition of being brave.



Tomorrow CF will stand for Courage Found.

Live your dreams and love your life.

Andy